


Forbearance

by ElentariR



Series: Getting Back to Myself [13]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Developing Relationship, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-17 10:56:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8141342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElentariR/pseuds/ElentariR
Summary: Steve tries to protect Bucky, Steven has a birthday, Bucky has all the feels...it's just another day in Stark Tower.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This one gave me all kinds of problems. I had meant to write one thing, but this thing came out. Mostly fluff and angst, but I wanted to show Bucky's growth and struggles. And Steven - because he's adorable. I have just a few more installments until Age of Ultron!

Steve sighed, rubbing a hand through his hair. The Tower was quiet at two in the morning, likely because Tony was in Brussels and not in R&D like he usually was.

He paused in the doorway to the living room and leaned against the wall, arms loosely crossed. Bucky sat on the couch with his shoulders hunched. The moon provided the only light in the dim room. He was staring intently at something on the coffee table, but Steve couldn’t make out what it was.

“Everything alright?” Steve asked softly. Bucky didn’t react, but Steve knew he heard him. Steve moved to sit in the chair opposite Bucky. Bucky looked pale and drawn, and there was a faint sheen of sweat on his forehead and bare chest. There was a picture frame in his hands; Steve couldn’t guess at the picture it contained.

After a minute, Bucky looked up at Steve, though he remained silent. Steve nodded and leaned forward with his forearms on his knees. “You know what one of the first things Noelle ever said to me was?” Bucky said after several minutes.

Steve shook his head - he didn’t think a response was required.

“She told me something her husband had once said – that every soldier comes back from war with more baggage than when he left. Memories, guilt...ghosts.” Bucky looked down at the picture. He stroked the glass with his right thumb with the faintest of smiles. “But she said they can be unpacked.”

“And we have to find a way to carry the rest.” Steve understood very well.

“Yeah.” Bucky set the picture frame on the coffee table.

Steve considered his words carefully. “You don’t have to do this, Buck. You know that.”

Bucky scoffed under his breath. “You know that’s not true, Steve. I’m going. I just...” He exhaled and leaned forward on his elbows, encasing his head with his forearms.

Steve didn’t need Bucky to elaborate. He remembered when he woke up in the S.H.I.E.L.D. facility and learned he missed seventy years of his life. When he learned how much had changed and – almost worse – how much hadn’t. He knew how hard it all was for him. Steve couldn’t imagine how difficult it was for Bucky. He had been awake through it all – living through a second hell, as if the War hadn’t been enough for a man to endure. Steve knew how much Bucky wanted those days to be behind him.

But for all the toll life had taken on Bucky, some things hadn’t changed. He was still a self-sacrificing son of a gun.

“Banner doesn’t like being left on the bus alone.” Steve remarked casually. “He could use you.”

Bucky pinned Steve with his eyes. He knew exactly what Steve was doing. But he nodded. He was appreciative and grateful beyond words, though his pride still smarted.

“You’ve always had my back.” Steve said, his voice soft. “I’ll be glad to have you watching it again.” In some ways, it would be just like the old days when they were chasing down Schmidt. In many more ways, though…

A small grin spread across Bucky’s face.

Steve nodded towards the picture frame. “That Noelle and Steven?”

Bucky’s smile softened with pride and affection. He handed the frame to Steve. It was a good picture of the two.

Steve liked Noelle. Sure, he had harbored some initial jealousy towards her. After all, Bucky had trusted her when he couldn’t face him. She had been there when he wasn’t. But Noelle was good for Bucky in ways that Steve knew he simply couldn’t be. And she was a good sort of woman – quiet and steady, though by no means simple – and she clearly loved Bucky as much as he loved her. Steve liked to observe the two of them interact, just to see Bucky so happy. Bucky had a tendency to hang on the fringes, stiff and unsure, much like Steve himself had after he had awoken from the ice. Noelle helped him relax, made him smile. Bucky didn’t think anyone noticed, but they did. Bucky and Noelle weren’t exactly given to displays, though Steve noticed little things – a kiss on the cheek, a hand on the back, a nudge of the arm.

Steven was good for Bucky, too, Steve thought. He was open and honest – and incredibly astute and tenacious. He had a heart of gold. Steven wasn’t entirely unlike Bucky at that age, a thought that always made Steve nearly burst with pride and deflate with longing. Somehow, despite it all, Bucky was getting his ‘happy ever after’. Maybe one day...

Bucky’s voice drew Steve from his reverie. “Did Steven tell you about the time he scared the daylights outta Tony?”

Steve laughed. “I love that kid.”

0

“I picked up the vanilla pudding mix.” Bucky announced, holding the plastic sack high. “I also picked up some more cocoa and brown sugar – we’re almost out.”

“You are the best. Have I told you lately that I love you?” Noelle tilted her head to greet Bucky with a kiss.

“I love you, too.” He whispered in her ear.

“Gross.” Steven muttered into his chocolate milk. Noelle laughed quietly and shook her head. “Mom, when are the cookies gonna be done?”

“Half an hour, sweetie. We have to be patient. But remember, we’re saving them for the party.”

Bucky slid into the spot beside Steven, continuing to watch Noelle mix the cookie dough. He had been informed that the vanilla pudding mix was an essential ingredient and that she simply could not make them without it. She realized – too late – that the pantry was bereft of the key ingredient; he dutifully ran down to the corner store to rectify the situation.

“You excited for tomorrow?” Bucky asked Steven, nudging his arm gently.

The look Steven sent him was nothing short of incredulous. “It’s my birthday.”

“Stupid question, huh?”

“Mom says there’s no such thing as a stupid question.” Steven leaned closer to Bucky. He attempted to lower his voice to a whisper. “But I think she just says that because she’s nice. Mikey asks stupid questions all the time, and he’s almost _eight_.”

Bucky coughed to hide his smile.

“Steven.” Noelle reproached her son.

Steven mumbled his apology. He brightened immediately. “Can I open a present now? Like we do at Christmas? It’s almost Christmas, anyway.”

“Nope, you have to wait until your party tomorrow. And Christmas is still almost three weeks away. But while you’re waiting...” Noelle turned around from the mixing bowl and handed Bucky and Steven each a small spoon of chocolate chip cookie dough. Her gifts were received with broad smiles and warm thanks.

Well, that did it – he had died and gone to heaven.

“I think you’d better give that bowl here.” Bucky stated solemnly. “There’s something wrong with the dough – I better investigate.”

Beside him, Steven nodded, doing his best to imitate Bucky.

Noelle arched an eyebrow, one hand on her hip. “Protect us all from food poisoning?”

“Yeah, something like that.”

Noelle rolled her eyes. “Very kind of you.” But she smiled.

“Something sure smells good.” Sam Wilson strolled into the kitchen with a lazy smile. “You better watch it there, Barnes. Your metabolism slows with age.”

“You better watch it there, Wilson. Your cookie intake slows with my disinclination.”

Bucky nearly choked on his coffee. He stared at Noelle with eyes wide with amazement. He hadn’t expected that from her.

Wilson held up his hands in a gesture of goodwill.

Noelle smiled. “I’m just teasing you. The first batch is coming out of the oven in a few minutes. If you stick around, you might get to taste one before the party tomorrow.”

“You are coming to my party, right?” Steven looked up at Wilson with such profound hope that Bucky could practically see Wilson melting on the spot.

“You betcha!” Wilson grinned and ruffled Steven’s hair. “I wouldn’t miss it.” He sat on the other side of Steven. “I remember my mom making chocolate chip cookies – they were the best things I ever tasted.”

“Oh, yeah? I bet my mom’s are _better_.” Steven said stoutly. Bucky caught Noelle’s eye. He almost winked. Instead, the corner of his mouth lifted slightly.

“Well, Sam, I look forward to your honest review.”

Bucky shook his head slightly. Noelle – always the peacekeeper, even when the threat of conflict was nonexistent. “You really are a Hufflepuff.” He whispered.

Noelle shrugged. “Pot, kettle, black, dearest.”

Bucky considered that for a moment. They had, of course, discussed the subject of his House before, but he always had difficulty settling upon his House. Noelle firmly contended that he was a Hufflepuff. He preferred Gryffindor, but Noelle made a strong case. It was hard to argue against her, so he usually settled for significant looks that she pretended to not understand.

“You two are adorable.” Wilson was smirking as he gestured between Bucky and Noelle, who was flushed prettily. “It’s kinda sickening. I hope you know that.”

Bucky raised an eyebrow. He knew Wilson was joking – and maybe even a little jealous – but he didn’t know what to say. He and Noelle were not given to public displays of affection beyond a peck on the cheek and discreet hand-holding on occasion.

“You know,” Noelle began thoughtfully, pulling the pan from the oven. “I know a great girl, if you’re interested. She teaches first grade, she’s great with weird. Smart, funny… I think you’d like her.”

Steven wrinkled his nose. “Girls are gross.”

The adults shared amused smiles.

“They sure are.” Wilson agreed. “Thanks for the offer, Noelle, but I think I’ll pass for now.”

Noelle slid the last of the cookies onto the cooling rack and began scooping more dough onto the pan. “Just say the word.”

Wilson caught Bucky’s eyes. Something was up. Bucky looked at Noelle and pressed his lips into a thin line. Noelle inhaled and drew herself up with a smile. “Sweetie, why don’t you go play in your room for a few minutes? Mommy needs to talk with Mr. Bucky and Mr. Wilson.”

Steven’s lower lip extended in a pout. He slinked off the chair with slumped shoulders, and he cast a longing look over his shoulder on his way out of the room.

“Would you two prefer to be alone?” Noelle asked quietly.

Wilson shook his head. “Nah, Barnes’ll just tell you later.”

Bucky couldn’t deny it and refused to apologize for it. He gave Noelle a small, fleeting smile when she came around to sit by him.

“Grant Ward’s been captured again.”

Noelle’s hand flew to Bucky’s and gripped it tightly. Whether it was for his benefit or hers, Bucky didn’t know. He felt the coil of knots that had laid like a hard lump in his belly finally begin to unravel at the knowledge that Grant Ward was no longer loose on the streets. “Who has him?” He needed to know.

Wilson shook his head. “Natasha’s being real closed-mouth about all this intel she’s been getting. Girl’s got more secrets than Victoria, as my momma says.” Noelle ducked her head to hide her smile at the expression. “All she would say is that S.H.I.E.L.D. isn’t as dead as we think. Said that it’s changed – for the better.” Wilson tilted his head towards the door. “Natasha’s spreading the word to the rest of the team.”

“Thank you.” Bucky was grateful for the knowledge.

Wilson nodded and stood. He made to leave, but paused. “Oh, Noelle. You should probably know… Thor’s gotten Steven his own sword for his birthday. Just a heads up.”

Noelle’s eyes widened, her mouth hung open. “Oh my,” was all she could manage.

Sam shrugged and waved his goodbye.

Bucky wrapped his arms around Noelle when she pressed her forehead against his chest. He chuckled against her hair. “Steven’s going to love it.”

“Yeah.” Her voice was muffled. “God only knows what Tony’s gotten him...”

Bucky did cringe at that. He heard tell that Drs. Foster and Banner had gone in together on a fancy science kit. He knew Steve had purchased one of the new Lego kits that Steven had been raving about.

“I’ll talk to Thor if you want.” Bucky offered softly. He didn’t think it was necessary, though he had his own concerns about a sword in the hands of a seven year-old.

Noelle shook her head, pulling slightly away so that she could see his head. “No, that’s alright. We have control over when and how Steven handles the sword, and Thor’s been teaching him safety and all that.” She shook her head, this time with incredulity. “But a sword...”

Bucky knew that Noelle’s own upbringing was humble. Her father had provided well for his family, but they were not wealthy and had sometimes sacrificed their wants so that the necessities were seen to. Noelle was frequently flabbergasted by the lifestyles of the rich and famous – like Tony Stark.

“We’ll keep him grounded.” Bucky said, pushing a lock of hair out of her eyes. “Don’t worry about Steven being too spoiled.”

Noelle’s shoulders relaxed with her smile. She nudged his arm. “Mindreader.”

Bucky shrugged. “Only yours.”

“And Steven’s.” She gave him a small, encouraging smile. “And you seem to do a pretty good job with Steve’s. You’re good with people.”

Bucky raised an eyebrow.

“Good at reading people.” Noelle amended. “But you’re not as brooding and recalcitrant as you were when we met. You’re more confident.”

To Bucky the answer was simple.

“You’re my Lilo.”

0

Steven’s birthday party was an exuberant affair held at Chuck-E-Cheese’s. Noelle had balked initially at hosting it there, knowing that it would be slightly better than hell for Bucky, but she couldn’t hold out against Bucky’s insistence and Steven’s pleas. Bucky and Steven made a good team.

Noelle had warned Bucky about the atmosphere, and he had tried to prepare himself as much as possible, but he realized with sinking horror and rising tension when they arrived at the venue that he was woefully unprepared for the people, noise, and general overstimulation. The gift Bucky held was rescued before it was crushed. Bucky’s arms went rigid at his side, fingers clenched in tight fists. His eyes were everywhere, though his head remained largely immobile. He registered Noelle glancing, torn, between himself and Steven. Bucky willed himself to relax – to not make Noelle choose between her beau and her son – but he couldn’t.

Wilson was at his side first, though Steve was not far behind. They flanked him, providing some barrier between him and the crowd. Noelle bit her lower lip, but remained with her son.

The party area was slightly calmer, as they had a semi-private room reserved. Bucky was pleased to see that Noelle’s parents had made it. They were staying with Joy and Mike. Though they wren’t comfortable bringing baby Avery to such a germ-infested environment, Joy and Mike had promised to join the festivities later at Stark Tower. Bucky knew Steven would love that.

Bucky planted himself in one corner. Noelle was at his side before she even greeted her parents. “I am so sorry, Bucky.” Noelle whispered to him.

Bucky mustered enough strength for a small smile. He grasped her hand. “I knew what I was getting into.” He didn’t – not really – but Noelle didn’t need to hear that. “I want to be here. Don’t worry about me.” He needed Noelle to hear that, needed her to understand.

Noelle bit her lower lip. “I love you.”

“Are you crying?”

Noelle’s laugh was strangled and she shook her head. She was lying.

Bucky smiled and enveloped her in a hug. He whispered in her ear, “I love you, too.”

Steven called Noelle away.

Several of Steven’s friends were in attendance; Bucky could tell that Steven was having the time of his life and that Noelle was enjoying visiting with the mothers. Bucky had assured her that he would make it in the corner, and insisted that she try not to worry. Still, she cast frequent glances in his direction. Bucky supposed it wasn’t entirely unwarranted, but he wanted her to enjoy the party.

Steve and Wilson didn’t leave his side, which was equal parts frustrating and appreciated. Bill, Noelle’s father, had also taken up ranks with them.

Somehow – despite his equally strong desires to be there for Steven, to be alone, and to hit something very hard (repeatedly) – he made it through.

“That was the best party ever.” Steven sighed happily on their way home. Bucky smiled when Steven slipped his hand into Bucky’s. Steven looked up at him. “Wasn’t it, Mr. Bucky?”

“It sure was, kid.” Bucky said. He felt both taut as a wire and bone-weary. “Sure was.” But the day wasn’t over yet – Tony and the others were throwing him a smaller – and more exclusive – party when they arrived home. It was mainly just Steven opening more presents and eating more cake – Noelle had informed Bucky that there would be no more desserts until Christmas after all the sugar Steven was consuming on his birthday – but Bucky wasn’t certain he had anymore left in him to make it through.

But for Steven, he was determined.

0

At long last, everyone had departed. Bucky leaned his head back to the wall and exhaled. He relished the dark quiet. He was weary in his soul and body. He didn’t know how long he had been there in the dark, but he knew it was a while; the chaos in his head was slowly ebbing away. He could breathe again.

Bucky folded his arms across his chest. He could still feel baby Avery in his arms, tiny and fragile. Swathed in a fluffy pink blanket, she had looked up at him with innocent brown eyes and cooed. He had been so afraid when Noelle eased her into his arms he had thought his heart would run right out of his chest. But it hadn’t. He had checked.

Bucky had held life in his hands before. He was a soldier. He’d been in war. He had killed people. But holding Avery was holding a different kind of life. In war, it had tasted of anger, hate, despair. But holding a baby was holding hope. He’d been forced to shove away tears. He had felt fiercely protective of the baby girl. With Avery in his arms, Noelle and Steven on either side of him, Bucky didn’t know what he’d done to deserve such happiness.

And he had looked at Noelle, too, while he was holding Avery. He had looked at her and wondered if she hoped to be a mother again. He had looked at her and wondered if he could father children – and if he could, could he father _her_ children. He had looked at her and wondered how long they would have together before life tore them apart.

That was when he gave Avery back to Noelle.

Bucky didn’t know how long he had been sitting in the dark when there was a soft knock on his door. He immediately tensed. “It’s just me.” Noelle.

He didn’t have the energy to get up, but he gave her permission to enter.

Noelle entered cautiously, sticking her head in first. She closed the door behind her and lingered there. He wondered how he looked to her in that moment, a big man huddled in the corner like a pathetic wimp. His insides recoiled with shame. He hated his weakness.

“I wanted to see how you were doing.” Noelle kept her voice soft. “I haven’t seen you in a few hours.”

The corner of his mouth tipped up. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to.

“What can I do? I can leave if you want.” She knew the healing solitude could bring.

“No. Stay.”

Noelle nodded. She didn’t move from her place by the door. After a half minute, she moved towards him – slowly, no sudden movements. Her movements were deliberate so as not to stress him. She settled onto the patch of floor next to him and gave him an unassuming smile. Bucky wrapped his right arm around her and pulled her closer. She leaned her head on his shoulder.

“We’ll get through this together.”

It was Noelle’s soft confidence, full of love and faith, that finally allowed Bucky to cry.


End file.
